Worthy

 Life is always full of surprises. That too in the path of growth, surprises of every kind are imminent. There is no good or bad in the kind of surprises I am talking about. In the context of one whole life, in the bigger picture, everything is a contribution for us to be a better version of ourselves. A few years ago, when I was in my 11^th standard, I used to go to my junior college, which is 10 kilometres away from my home in an auto-rickshaw. There used to be a tendency in me where I used to relate everything that would either have an intense effect on my mind or would be jeopardising enough to make me feel off for time being. It was one such day, when I had to see a person from my college collapsed intoxicatedly on the road while I was travelling to the college. That thought did not bug me enough until I was back home. That evening, while I was about to meditate, it bugged me enough that I could not meditate, was feeling a different sensation I have never felt, in my heart region. It felt like a part of my brain is refusing to work and think on what is happening to me. The more I was trying to analyse the situation, the more traumatic it was getting in my heart and mind. From that day onwards, nothing was the same with me. I never knew what I was really good at until that day, because everything I used to do perfectly before, were not even close to perfection then. It was another level of traumatic trance, like the post-devastation of a storm that I never even knew existed in this territory called life. I used to get random negative and violent thoughts that I could never even imagine witnessing in my real life. A math problem that I used to solve in 2 minutes started taking twenty. My focus was lost, as a person, I don’t know who I was anymore or what I was becoming. Questions like if I was going crazy, what if I lose it all forever were not uncommon. It started affecting me physically in many ways like, not being able to sleep at nights, increased heartbeat, extreme anxiety, sweating so often, lack of concentration, increased metabolism, what not. Just like Alice in Wonderland, I didn't even have a chance to find out what the heck was happening in life. Boards were up. Life was in a turmoil. My favourite movies, cricket, games that I used to play, things that used to make me happy stopped meaning anything to me. No music, no dance, no motivational speaker, no stories of great leaders who had to sail through a million things in life felt real anymore. It took me a psychiatrist to finally understand that there is a definition for what I was going through but there is no definable reason. That was the first time I kneeled down to the ground screaming to infinity. “What!” With no clue what was happening. Never a why. Maybe, the universe thought it was not the right time for answers, I had to pray and beg, bedridden, with my body being fantastically fine. One fine day, when I could not hold it anymore, my analysis was pretty clear. I thought not to give a damn about that one thought that kept bugging me, “if those thoughts might get real”. That day, my focus shifted from “What is the thought?” to “What is it doing to me?”. As soon as my focus shifted, I was completely ready to go through whatever it put me through. Not more than a few days, I started to learn the skill of living with a demon in my head. Was not easy. Took me two years. Until one day, I could actually be sane, finally confident that “I can take it all.” Never been so curious but now the early stages look like a joke to me. From the stage where I thought I can only eat and stay alive, to those days where I started thinking that I can die trying everything that I want to do but I am not going to give up on anything because there is an obstacle in the way. Everything that life gives, once crossed, only makes you realise that “You are enough.” Not saying “Strong enough”, but “Enough”. Of course, I had to use meditation and scriptures as a medium to understand my strength better, but sure, who knew? Life never waits for you to be ready. Life makes you ready by signing you up for what it has in store, whether you like it or not. It is up to you if you want to prove it that you are worthy. A worthy player. Even about that, you don’t have to worry much. It will make sure you are worthy enough before deciding your game.